Return to Humanity
by karalynn79
Summary: Post BD. What happens when bloodlust catches up with you? Can you even find your humanity again?
1. Premise

Premise

I have had this story in my head for a long time. And when I started posting it last year, I feel like I was missing the REAL emotion of it so I will be restructuring the whole thing. And hopefully with a little help from my friends. I will make it what I wanted it to be.

What happens when bloodlust catches up with you? How do you leave your family whom you love very much? Or is your family even your first thought anymore? This is a story of letting the monster take over and completely losing yourself. Can you ever Return to Humanity?


	2. prologue

Prologue

The burn in my throat was worse than the burn of my change. I had been running for days without feeding. I was somewhere in the middle of Canada. It was getting dark and I caught the scent coming from an alley. Part of me knew that I should turn around and run, but the monster inside me was screaming for warm, thick, delicious human blood. He looked like he was in his early twenties. He was taking out the trash from a restaurant. I let my instincts take over just like I always did on my hunts. I snuck up behind him. I heard a gasp as I pulled his head to the side and sunk my teeth into his neck. It was like human teeth sinking into butter. The warm liquid slid down my throat. I'd never tasted anything better and wondered how my family went without it. The monster inside me rejoiced. When the body was drained, I ran from the alley a fast as I could. When I finally stopped running, I felt like a mad woman. My bloodlust was at a whole new level. The monster was finally free and all I could think about was my next meal.

...

**I wanted to thank Wonkeygirl for reading and helping me! Thanks darling you are a real gem!**

**I hope to be able get the new chapter one up soon. **


	3. Runaway

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters belong to SM. I am just going with an idea of what could have happened years after BD. **

Chapter 1

I stand alone looking over a sleeping city and I think about what got me here. It's two in the morning- the time when everybody should be in bed dreaming about sugarplums and fairies. I don't dream anymore. It's because I don't sleep- can't sleep actually. My name is Bella Cullen and I'm a vampire.

A few years ago I would have never been alone. I had a family who loved me, and the most wonderful husband in the world. But one day my inner monster started rearing its ugly head. Of course vampires by nature crave blood, but my family only drank blood from animals. I never had the normal bloodlust like most newborn vampires, and I was fine with that. I always figured it was because I had Nessie. Once a vampire is changed they are frozen in time. Everyone had their theories. Carlisle always believed it was part of my power, Jasper believed it was because I was prepared, but I believed my strong maternal instincts at the time of my change were what kept me in control. Everyone assumed that I'd always be in control. Boy, were we wrong.

This is not a pretty story, and I am not happy with the things I have done. But I can't change them now. This is the story of why I left my family, and became the monster my husband never wanted me to be.

**X**

Edward and I were out hunting. Our family had grown annoyed with us and our constant honeymoon stage, so we were on one of our solo trips. We had split up, because he'd caught the scent of mountain lion in the opposite direction of the elk I had already started on. It had been eight years since my change that I had longed for, so he didn't feel the need to watch over me as closely anymore. After draining three elk I was quite full. I began sniffing the air to follow Edward's scent. As I was tracing the path to him, I caught a mouth watering scent. It was warm and musky with a hint of cinnamon. I wondered what kind of animal could smell that good out in the woods. I lost all capacity to think straight because I needed to find it. I stood turning in circles deciphering what direction it was coming from. The warmth filled my nose and I heard a faint heartbeat. I stood completely still when I realized the scent must be from a human hiker. My first thought was who would miss a lost hiker this far from any human trail. I was completely stunned by my reaction, but I couldn't help but began to wonder what human blood would taste like. Sure I drank it when I was pregnant, but that was from the blood bank and I was still human. I wondered what it would be like with my vampire senses. Even though I was in full control, the idea consumed me.

"Bella, love, we need to get back. Some hikers have just wandered off their trail." Edward interrupted my thoughts. Part of me resented him in that moment. I was never happier that he couldn't read my thoughts.

"Yeah, I want to call Ness before she goes to bed," I said as I took his hand.

The whole way home, all I could think about was the smell of human blood. It smelled better than anything I'd ever smelled in my life or after life. I remembered when I was human the smell always made me sick to my stomach, but now it was all I wanted. I had to try to shake the thought away. It wasn't our lifestyle.

"Are you okay, Mom?" Ness asked me over the phone.

"Of course, sweetie. Why wouldn't I be?" It was always odd how perceptive she was. Edward says she got that from me.

"You just seem distracted."

"Just a lot on my mind. How's Jacob?" I talked to her for hours just trying to think about something else.

When Edward and I cuddled in bed that night, I desperately wanted to think only of my husband. But my damn vampire brain started calculating how I could quench my curiosity. The only option I could think of was leaving my family.

"Love, what are you thinking?" That was my Edward's favorite question to ask me.

"Nothing," I lied. In my human life I was a terrible liar, but that changed when I changed.

I wished I could sleep. At least that way I could avoid the awkward nights with Edward. When he would try initiating our nightly love making routine, I couldn't say I had a headache, but I just couldn't make myself focus on him. He was everything to me, and shutting him out was the last thing I wanted to do. Some nights I would tell myself that I'd forget the idea of human blood. I had begged for this life with him, and leaving him would only prove his point in not wanting to change me in the first place. I was afraid it would destroy him. There was also Renesemee to think about. She looked like an adult and acted like one, but she was actually only eight years old. Every night these thoughts would fly through my mind, but as they say vampires have a one track mind, and that was completely true for me. Every night my mind would always end up right back where I started- the hiker.

"Where are you, Bella?" he asked one night.

"I'm right here." But I wasn't really. I never wanted to hurt him, and I knew I was going to. It was inevitable.

For the next few days, I fought internally with myself. It was almost like I was going through the bloodlust I should have gone through as a newborn. I could feel the monster inside me roaring to be freed. I had to leave my family. It was going to be hard, but it was the only way to get over what I was going through.

Luckily, I'd gotten better at controlling my shield over the years, and I was able to block my plan from Alice. She would've stopped me in an instant if she saw that I was even thinking about leaving. I tried to rationalize my plan to myself. If I stayed I'd end up pushing everyone away and hurting them even more.

"I'm going up to the main house to hang out with everybody. Alice wants to have a family movie night," Edward said to me one night. I knew this would be my best chance to leave.

"I just want to hang out and read," I told him.

"Are you alright?" His velvet voice asked out of concern.

"Yeah, I'm just getting to a really good part." I didn't even look up from my book. My dead heart clenched.

"Okay, but if you change your mind come on up." He kissed my forehead before leaving.

When he was gone, I packed a bag quickly and took what cash I had stored away. I knew I needed to hurry just in case Alice was able to see anything. I left a note that simply said "I'm sorry." It seemed so impersonal, but I couldn't write him a full letter explaining myself. I didn't really know where I was going, so I just ran. I needed to get as far away from Forks as possible before I did anything.

I ran north, but I didn't have a destination in mind. There was really only one thing on my mind, and that was blood. I wanted it, but I think I needed it even more. The life I had with my family was forgotten.

**X**

**Wow, it has been FOREVER since I updated. So SORRY. I still believe in this story line and I really hope to finally touch on the emotions Bella is feeling. THANK YOU to wonkeygirl for always encouraging me with this idea. I heart you more than I can say. Also thank you to ****tiffanyanne3**** for the beta.**

**I love reviews. They let me know what my readers think and keep me motivated for the next chapter. I will try to work faster on my rewrites.**


	4. First kill

2.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters belong to SM. I am just going with an idea of what could have happened years after BD. **

**Hey everyone! Sorry for the long delay. The last couple of months have been completely insane for me. I am finally on the right page with my writing and I hope to be able to start knocking out chapters. With the rewrite of this chapter I wanted to go a little darker with Vamp Bella. Hope you enjoy. Also thank you to ****tiffanyanne3**** for the beta.**

I remember Edward telling me about his "rebellious" years. He would read the minds of his prey and only go after predators. I didn't have his gift. So along the way I know some of my victims were innocent, but that didn't stop me.

After running away from Forks, I didn't know where I was going. In the back of my mind, I was still fighting with myself over the reasons I left. Something was telling me I was wrong - that I should turn around and go back home. It was hard to fight the monster when my throat would burn. I didn't know how Edward did it when I was human.

My first kill is the one I remember the most. The burn in my throat was worse than the burn of my change. I had been running for days without feeding. I was somewhere in the middle of Canada. It was getting dark, and I caught the scent coming from an alley. Part of me knew that I should turn around and run, but the monster inside me was screaming for warm, thick, delicious human blood. He looked like he was in his early twenties. He was taking out the trash from a restaurant. I let my instincts take over just like I always did on my hunts. I snuck up behind him and heard a gasp as I pulled his head to the side and sunk my teeth into his neck. It was like human teeth sinking into butter. The warm liquid slid down my throat. I'd never tasted anything better and wondered how my family went without it. The monster inside me rejoiced. When the body was drained, I ran from the alley as fast as I could. When I finally stopped running, I felt like a mad woman. My bloodlust was at a whole new level. The monster was finally free, and all I could think about was my next meal.

I'm not sure how long I ran. Time meant nothing to me. Days felt like minutes just ticking away on an imaginary clock in my head. At night I would hunt and move on to the next place. It got to the point where I lost count of how many people I'd killed. I was a nomad. I never thought about what I was doing; I was surviving. With every kill, my bloodlust grew.

The nomad life was definitely lonely, but I wouldn't let myself think about my family. Somewhere along the way, I was able to block them from my mind. I would lose myself in the anticipation of my next meal. During the day, I would scope out the area. I found parks and alleys where I knew people would be at night. I could already smell their sweet blood and imagine the feel of their warm flesh as my razor sharp teeth pierced through their jugular.

There was always something insanely sexual about the hunt. The sound of a simple heartbeat, and how it would increase rapidly as I approached. Most never knew what was coming, but some sensed it right away; I could see the fear in their eyes. I found that I enjoyed the struggle even more. The faster their blood pumped, the sweeter the nectar was, so warm and satisfying.

I was never one to technically play with my victims. I didn't see the reason. I would rather go straight for the kill. There were a few, though. One night, it was a little past midnight when I spotted someone walking through a dark parking lot. He was whistling a little tune like he had no worries in the world. Something about him set me off completely. I purposely knocked over a trash can to get his attention.

"It's awfully late for such a pretty girl to be out alone," he called out to me.

"My friends ran off and left me. I forgot my purse and phone in the car." I tried to sound as helpless as I could.

"Where do you live? I could drop you off somewhere."

"I'm not really from around here." I stayed in the shadows as much as I could. I didn't want him to sense any danger.

"I know of a place you can stay." He was moving closer to me. "I just live down the street here. My buddies would love to give a nice young lady a place to stay for the night."

If I had been human, he would've made my skin crawl. I knew the end was going to be sweet for me. "I'd never want to impose." I kept my head down.

"Oh baby, you'd never be imposing." He ran a finger down the side of my arm. "You're freezing. I can warm you up real quick."

I looked up, and he froze where he stood. He instantly knew the tables were turning. I was no longer his prey. He was mine. I smiled as he started to step backwards. "I thought you were going to warm me up."

"I…" I could smell his smugness being replaced by fear.

"There are two ways this can go." I stepped closer to him. "You can run, but you won't get far. Or…" He never had a chance to blink before warm liquid was flowing down my burning throat.

Sometimes it was hard to believe that I'd turned into my worst human nightmare. What was odd about me was I still had my control. I could still remember who I was. Some nights I would tell myself that I needed to return home and beg to be part of my family again. I wondered if they would welcome me with open arms. But when I smelled the fresh blood pumping through my next victim, the monster would always win.

I knew from my experience with the Volturi that I didn't want to cause a complete blood bath in areas. It was too much of a risk to attract their attention. Of course, Aro would probably love my change of diet. I could just imagine him trying to recruit me into the Guard. I had to lay low. I would travel miles between feedings.

I had already been all over Canada and the Northern United States. I needed to choose a new path. I thought about swimming to Europe, but I felt it would take too long. My attention span wasn't much, and I would need to feed again before I got there.

I decided the south would be a good place to go. I knew to avoid Arizona and Florida since I wasn't sure exactly where Renee and Phil lived at the time. I wouldn't want to risk them being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wondered how they were. If they were still happy. That only led me to think of Charlie and the rest of my family. I knew they were better off without me and what I had become.

**Please review... See you soon. **


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